Dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity, defined by Mental Health America. I had an experience, a few years back, when my personalities split. In this post, I will use the term ‘split’ since it can make it more visually clear as you continue reading, whether or not this is the correct verb. In the scientific community, which I belong to, states that it was dissociation that I experienced. In the spiritual world, which I belong to, may call it experiencing a higher Self and understanding that the greater Self is much bigger and more majestic than the personas we carry in the physical world. It was the most odd and confusing situation. Yet, it was the most beautiful and a very surreal experience.
Time Slowed Down
With dissociation you can lose chucks of time or it can feel like time slowed down. When I split, two personalities surfaced, and I sat in the middle. It was distinctively clear that there were 3 of us. One on the left, which I will call my dark side, and one on my right, which I will call my light side (speaking like this just gives you more clarity) and me in the middle. Me, is the me I know right now. . .today writing this post. What felt unusual is that I was them – the two of them- yet I wasn’t, and this is exactly how I referred to them. They were me, my personalities, but they weren’t me, my existence.
I wasn’t alone. I was with my therapist, so I had a witness regarding who I, me in the middle, was talking to. After the split, I could clearly see that these personalities existed within me. They weren’t physically there, and yet I could look at them and see them in some strange way. I could feel their strong presence. They were separate from me, but they embodied me completely. They lived, we lived, together, yet the two personas, one on the left and the one on the right, didn’t seem to like each other much; they tolerated each other.
Bringing the Two Together
As I sat in this experience of dissociation, I was coherent and alert, however, my therapist seemed to be in a far distance, like the shutter of a camera narrowing the view. In the moment, I didn’t know what the real reason for the experience was. All I know is that when my therapist asked me, cannot these two live together or be united, I felt a little dazed and disoriented. First, I never considered I had two personas within me, and, second, I guess experiencing this split was more of a shock and then an awakening.
My Healing Process
I don’t want to make this post lengthy, however, I can tell you what I felt after this dissociated state. Before my healing process, I had erratic emotions. My behavior was always up and down and all around like a roller coaster. My choices were poor and everything was based on emotion. I started the healing process out of sheer exhaustion. During the healing process, and because of this split, I was able to see that two other people lived within me. I gather, these personas had risen so I could survive life: the childhood sexual trauma, but as a mature adult, they were interfering and making things complicated.
What surprisingly happened, after I experienced the two personalities, and something that I came to realize after I did some reflection and during my next visit with my therapist, is that the roller coaster was no longer around. It’s not something that I had to work at to change. What I mean by this is that I didn’t have to make a conscious choice to change my behavior every time something crazy came up. I became whole after I consciously experienced the personalities living within me. I still remember asking my therapist, “Is this what ‘normal’ feels like?”
Science or Spirituality
I understand that, within the scientific community, you need to measure something in order to prove its existence. This makes sense for many things in life: to understand facts, to help people heal, and to distinguish the real health resources from the charlatans. I also want to say, that we don’t know, scientifically, all that there is about energy and the universe, and because it may not be measurable at this point in our lives, perhaps because we don’t have the technology, does not mean that it does not exist. We just haven’t come up with reliable instruments to measure what many, as well as me, have experienced.