What is the process of healing worthlessness? When you feel worthless or non-deserving, looking in the mirror and telling yourself you are beautiful is not going to work. No repeated affirmation is going to get you to feel worthy. When someone tells you that you are special and that you should appreciate your value, you can’t relate.  How could you? You loathe yourself with a great sense of passion. The more others try to help, the bigger the walls get; the resistance is strengthened.

My Awakened State

My husband and I were bickering in the kitchen. He was drunk again screaming profanity and threats as spit flew out of his mouth. My body shook with anxiety, as usual. During an altercation in the kitchen, while I was preparing dinner, I reached my peak. I couldn’t take it anymore. In complete rage, I threw a pyrex dish at him. He ducked and the dish flew just inches passed his forehead into the wall behind him. I was in complete shock, as he was. I realized I could have killed him. I stood at the entrance to the kitchen in silence. My husband proceeded to walk up to me, chest butt me, and continued to scream only inches away from my face. I just stood there, stone solid in my footing and simply observed him. I had nothing inside: no thoughts, no feelings, no facial expressions, and then something miraculous happened. A presence of stillness and silence washed over me. In that moment, I viewed the life I was living, and then these powerful words came out of no where, “It’s not about him. It’s about me.” I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to go back and clean up my past to stop my self-defeating patterns. I needed to begin healing worthlessness.

Residuals Of Childhood Abuse

Healing worthlessness was not going to happen if I didn’t begin looking within. I tried desperately to keep things down: tucked away neatly and quietly. Haunting memories of chronic childhood sexual and emotional abuse and neglect and two sexual assaults at the age of 12 and 16 kept bubbling up. The residuals or the scum of the events was expressed in my adult life through depression and anxiety; eating disorders; and taking illicit drugs and alcohol. The residuals surfaced fully and were playing out cyclically in my life year after year. Self-hate, self-loathing, self-disgust and shame is who I was. In this moment I came to realize what I needed to do, but I was also filled with deep sadness thinking about what my children had gone through.

Healing Worthlessness

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) was what I started with. Most self-help books focus on this strategy to improve mental health. Because it’s evidence-based, it is highly recognized. It’s fairly straight forward. You just need to be consistent. With CBT, you focus on developing your coping skills by targeting unhelpful patterns of thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs as well as behaviors and emotions. I didn’t need to go back to the past with CBT. Clearly, I was still avoiding where I needed to go: the past! It worked to some degree. However, after two years of persistent work, I still felt a deep ache and emptiness in my heart.  I prayed and pleaded to find an answer – to be shown a way. Yet, I intuitively knew what I needed to do from the words that I heard in the kitchen. I am such a rebel, however, which has its pro’s and con’s. Pro’s: You are a fighter; Con’s: You delay what is good for you. Anyways, healing worthlessness came down to therapy. Before therapy, I moved from one thing to the next trying many forms of healing, each having a beginning and an end to their purpose, and all somehow slightly supporting me in the healing process. To heal worthlessness, nonetheless, I learned that it takes more than CBT and other superficial healing processes.  Healing worthlessness, first, takes making a decision and committing to the process. Second, it takes making darkness conscious. That’s where you reveal your source.

Carl Jung On Making Darkness Conscious

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

A Course In Miracles On The Sources Of Separation

It’s not necessary to seek for what is true, but it is necessary to seek for what is false. . . That is why atonement centers on the past, which is the source of separation, and where it must be undone. For separation must be corrected where it was made. 

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